You’re smart. You’re professional. So how could you possibly be addicted to The Bachelor?
Well you’re not alone—there are thousands of us. And if you missed last night’s episode, you probably are too embarrassed to ask co-workers what really happened, so here’s a down and dirty recap for you:
Group Date Eight
Chris Harrison delivers a card for Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley I. (the virgin), Ashley S. (the crazy), Jueliya, Samantha, Mackenzie and Kelsey. The card says “Let’s do what is natural.” As in no makeup they ask? Not. The girls gussie themselves up, makeup, hair, and take off in beachwear for the bluest lake any of the girls have ever seen—except for Kelsey. She’s from Michigan.
The temperature quickly rises when Virgin Ashley takes her top off and jumps into the water. Then Not-a-Virgin Kaitlyn takes her bottoms off and jumps in. Kelsey tags the rendezvous as a date for bimbos, and Chris announces they’ re camping there overnight. Kelsey whines, gets stung by a bee high on the thigh, and all the girls put up tents in their bathing suits. (Awkward.) Crazy Ashley kisses Chris. (Even more awkward.) Not-a-Virgin Kaitlyn gets the rose. The girls act baffled. Virgin Ashley cries.
The One-On-One Date
Meanwhile back at the mansion, Jillian snores by the pool while Chris Harrison announces to the girls left behind that Chris’s sisters—Laura, Lisa and Jackie—will decide who gets the one-on-one date. The sisters meet the girls individually. Most of the girls do ok (B), Whitney does a little better (B+), Britt tells them she’s the front runner (D) and Jade knocks the interview out of the park (A+).
Quiet Jade wins the Cinderella date. Appropriate. And all the girls watch as three weird women turn Jade into a princess. Virgin Ashley stomps away green with envy, puts on her own princess gown, and sulks in a corner while eating corn. Now everyone wants her to go home.
Chris, who has overlooked Jade up to this point, seems into her on the Cinderella date. The evening goes well. They talk. They dine. They dance. Chris gets to know sweet Jade. She gets a rose and keeps the diamond earrings—making Virgin Ashley even angrier.
Wedding Gown Group Date
A “Let’s Get Dirty” date card arrives for Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Becca. The girls dress in wedding gowns and take off—literally—in a jet and land beside Chris and his limousine. Then the wedding plans fall apart. They arrive at a mud obstacle course and find out the winner of the race gets the one-on-one date with Chris.
Jillian wins (no surprise). The other girls go home. And Chris can’t get a word in on his date with Jillian. She talks and talks, and then she talks some more—so much that Chris admits thinking of unicorns and dancing fairies (left over effect of kissing Crazy Ashley maybe?). He can’t give her the rose. She cries. He feels bad but says time’s ticking. He’s 33. He needs a wife. So he walks her to an elevator and the doors shut behind her. (For a moment I think my husband switched channels to The Apprentice.)
Before the Rose Ceremony
The girls are feeling vulnerable since Jillian went home, and they vie for Chris’s attention. Virgin Ashley realizes Chris still doesn’t know she’s a virgin. She steals him away. Tells him. He says that’s great but looks like he could run for the exit. She leaves unsure how it went and sits in princess dress number two crying—this time without the corn. Mackenzie consoles her. They go downstairs and tell anyone left who might not know about her virginity. Then Becca admits she’s a virgin, too. Not-a-Virgin Kaitlyn can’t believe it.
Britt takes Chris aside. She’s jealous of Kaitlyn. (Don’t do it Britt. Everyone knows complaining to the Bachelor is the kiss of death.) But she does it—bad mouths Kaitlyn. Chris stumbles over his words n response—so much that Jimmy Kimmel writes them up on a blackboard two hours later and psychoanalyzes him. Chris stands, thanks her, then announces to everyone that he is serious about finding a wife and bows out of the party. None of the other girls understand. (Nice going Britt.)
Doling out the Roses
Then in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever (we just had to say that), the roses are handed out in strategic order to: Whitney (we love everything about this girl except her voice), Carly, Megan, Samantha, McKenzie (the 21 year-old), Kelsey (yes, we still love her), Becca (the closet virgin), Virgin Ashley (cringe-ok we’re glad she didn’t go because she’s just too entertaining), and——-Britt (phew).
Nikki ,Crazy Ashley, and Jueliya say their good byes. Chris walks sweet Jueliya out and hugs her. Crazy Ashley says she feels nothing, and we all come away feeling much better about our own personal lives.
I love this show.
(All pictures from ABC’s The Bachelor website.)