Does Brit shower and why is Kelsey crying on the floor? These are the episode 5 glimpses that had me running red lights to get home by 8 PM to watch The Bachelor last night.
As sad as this is, I could barely contain myself. Kelsey and Brit are my favorites. (There is clearly not enough substance in my life.) So hearing dirt on them was killing me. What happened to my two front runners?
Here’s the low down:
The Strangest, Lamest One-on-One Date in Bachelor History
Chris takes Carly on the one-on-one date. She’s a friend, great person, witty and makes him smile. (Not sounding good.) They wind up in a Simon-says routine with a Love and Intimacy Guru who instructs them into a world so awkward and boring we all go get a stronger drink to get us through it. They touch, they taste, they smell until the new-age Dr. Ruth has them de-robbing each other. Carly admits she’s uncomfortable. Chris agrees and the red-scarf Guru lets up on the sexy touchy, feely routine. It literally leaves Chris and Carly in a cloud of dust so bizarre that viewers pretend they don’t see it. (What was that?)
The date goes on. Carly admits she was in a relationship for two years with a guy who never touched her. It left her insecure. She doesn’t feel attractive–beautiful. Chris says she is beautiful, especially inside. She’s talented, cool and smart. Then he gives her a rose and all of us come away without a clue how he feels about her.
White Water Rafting Group Date
By now I’m so bored I’ve lost track of who’s going. The waters cascade; the boats tip; Jade falls out; she’s pulled back in; they land safely; and Chris rubs Jade’s numb feet. I’m-a-virgin Ashley and I’m-a-widow Kelsey wish they’d thrown themselves overboard to get their tootsies tickled, and they all dress for the evening date.
Then–thriller–Jordan returns. Jordan who? One of the two over-imbibers in the first few episodes. She asks for a second chance. Chris debates. Then he takes her to the girls and they devour her while he fades away into woe-is-me-Jordan’s-back one-on-ones. Jordon immediately sips what better be a club soda. She leaves, and I wake up briefly while Whitney, in her is-your-mommy-home voice, spars with pick-me-I’m-a-virgin Ashley, who disappoints us with a lame cry.
Chris sends Jordan home and then sits down with his back to Jade, Becca and Samantha (did he really do that?) and gives is-your-mommy-home Whitney the rose. All the girls pretend to smile.
The One-on-One Miracle Date
Finally we have a glimmer of hope for some drama. Back at the mansion, Brit immediately begins to cry when Carly reads the “Up, Up and Away” card (or something like that—I don’t have it in me to rewind). She’s terrified of heights. She can’t do it. She cries and cries. Then Carly says Brit doesn’t like to shower.
At 4:30 the next morning, Chris sneaks into Brit’s room to wake her for their date. Shower-shy Brit roles over and her lips are so pink and perky that my eyes rake the pillow cases for lipstick stains. They kiss. The other girls hear. Carly uses the f-word, and Chris says Brit looks beautiful in the morning.
Shower-shy Brit dresses and the two limousine through the Rio Grande until they come upon a hot air balloon. Suddenly, miraculously, Brit is cured of her fear of heights. She yells, she jumps and the two sail off into the sun. After the miracle, they go back to Chris’s room where they take a two-hour nap. Brit snickers that the date started in bed and ended in bed.
Before the Rose Ceremony
Kelsey knows she’s in jeopardy of leaving and ends up in Chris’s apartment telling him that her first husband died. They hug and kiss.
Afterward, Kelsey appears mad (crazy not angry). She says her story is amazing. It’s tragic but amazing—a love story. Her eyes glisten over and viewers are left wondering if she really is a widow. The girls in the house break out with suspicion also. Something is not quite right with Kelsey. All dress for the party before the rose ceremony. Chris enters. Tells everyone he has just listened to Kelsey’s tragic story and then looks as if he is fighting off tears. He leaves and Chris Harrison returns to say there will be no party.
Kelsey’s confidence dwindles. The other girls console her. They feel sorry for her because clearly Chris wasn’t going to pick her and now doesn’t want to hurt her. Brit wraps her arms around Kelsey and in a moment of sheer agony throws Kelsey a slice of bread. “Your pumps still look great,” she says.
You read that right.
And with that statement, all my dreams were dashed—my two favorites gone with the wind.
Kelsey leaves the room and finally, what we’ve been waiting all week for, Kelsey is on the floor crying. You hear murmurs of “call an ambulance” and “having a panic attack”. Then it happens.
TO BE CONTINUED… flashes on the screen.
Are you friggin’ kidding me? After two hours of loyalty slaying boredom, there isn’t going to be a rose ceremony? In all my bachelor adoring years, this had to be the lamest.