Is It an Episode or an Interview?
The Bachelor—two days in a row? Not sure I can take it!
I don’t know about you, but I love these interviews. Contestants flaunt their back-peddling skills as they dance around the real issues. (Like why would you go on this show in the first place?)
Personally, I think they should have brought in is-that-an-onion Ashley. Anyway, here’s what happened on Day One of the Two Day Fiasco:
The Kelsey Interview
Chris Harrison calls out left-in-the-bad-lands Kelsey as being the most controversial contestant. Kelsey can’t believe it. Chris asks if she faked the panic attack. She responds no after a long pause then says she’s not narcissistic; she felt flooded. When Chris mentions she recovered quickly, she says she harnessed her thoughts by focusing on humor. (Huh?) In other words, she laughed (like the wicked witch) because she was embarrassed. (Thanks for the clarification.)
Chris asks about the bad-lands double break-up and Ashley (pick-me-I’m-a-virgin Ashley not onion Ashley). Kelsey said she was surprised Ashley was never mean to her. She was blind-sided, then it cuts to Kelsey’s evaluation interview of Ashley. The astute evaluation goes like this: she’s a Kardashian wanna-be; she likes to play dress up; she wears too much makeup. (How much did that counseling degree cost you?)
Finally, is she anxious to see the other women? Well, she is the kind one, she says. She wants to give the other girls the benefit of the doubt. (We’ll see how that works at the bachelor tells all.)
The Chris-and-Chris Interview
Bachelor Chris tells straight-man Chris that it’s a lot of fun but getting difficult.
Straight gets right to the point. Why’d you rat out Ashley? Chris answers that he knows nothing about women. (Lame should be his middle name.) He had feelings for someone else. No relationship would have evolved with either left-me-crying-in-the-dessertley.
What about onion Ashley? Chris smiles. He first noticed she was nuts at the zombie date. Then straight Chris admits Ashley wandered around the set at night when everyone was asleep. She thought there was a betting ring in the stage hands’ trailer. Bachelor Chris said a little heads up would have been nice, and then they run never-seen-before clips of onion Ashley wandering the set and saying Chris’s leather smells great. Straight Chris says her audio tape was normal. (Relative.)
Then they reminisce. They mention the over-imbibers Tara and Jordan, the love guru, Sully the jack-ass, Chris’s sad goodbye to Julia and Jillian’s hot pants. Chris asks Chris if he ever really liked Jillian. He didn’t like her core (c’mon if anything she had a good core), but after all he was a man.
Then Straight man Chris ends the interview by saying bachelor Chris is really the most sincere bachelor ever. (Because he cries so much?)
The I’m-Not-Giving-Out-Any-Info Andi Interview
I don’t think I can say much more than that.
What went wrong? Chris tries to drag it out of Andi. Andi admits they were struggling before the premier, and that they broke up two days later. It was mutual. (Cry.) She loved him. (Cry.) Chris asks why? (Cry.) She says she was 100% sure at the time it was right. (Cry.) Why? (Cry.) We are so much alike. (Cry.) It was Mutual. (Cry.) They’re still friends and she’ll always care for him. (Wipes her nose on her wrist.)
Then something strange happens. Straight-man Chris breaks into a counseling session with I-can’t-stop-crying Andi. It goes like this: You’re not a failure. Believe me I understand. It breaks my heart to see you broken-hearted, yada yada yada, and we come away wondering if straight-man Chris has a crush on I’m-a-DA Andi.
Then the evening turns to:
The Wait-there’s-a-Rose-Ceremony? Rose Ceremony
Didn’t see that coming. I thought the Ashley-Kelsey send off negated the rose ceremony.
Evidently the girls did, too. They asked Chris what made him send the duo packing. Chris hem haws around (Iowa style) without any real reason. Then what’s-her-name Megan gets one-on-one time and mentions she’s noticed Chris has developed stronger relationships with other girls, and we can’t figure out whether she’s being nice or just plain stupid. He says he has and it’s time for her to go. (Lessened learned—don’t ask.) She rides off but graciously says everything happens for a reason. (Ok she’s nice.) Chris sits down on the curb and cries as if it’s his turn to have the panic attack.
The girls look sad that Megan left. Chris says one more girl has to go, and they aren’t sad for Megan any more. Chris says “this is painful”, and then “see ya at the rose ceremony”. Brit starts hugging Whitney. Whitney worries for Carly. Carly’s going to puke. And sweet Jade says it feels like a bomb has dropped.
Chris returns. He feels good about all the girls and no one is going home. Sigh of relief. He wants all to go to Idaho (Which is a good because his home town is a hard sell.)
Carly collapses in happiness. Brit is honored to be invited. The moon goes down. The girls arrive at their Des Moiré apartment. Jade’s name is on the first one-on-one date. And Chris is in his home town, three hours away, talking to cows.
The First Iowa One-on-One
“So who will like the farm?” Chris wonders as he waits for Jade.
And Jade rides and rides. It’s a dirt road along side miles of grass. Jade remarks being from a small town might give her an edge. She meets Chris. He shows her a string of brown fields, then takes her downtown. Ok it’s not a downtown. There are only two businesses. No restaurants or bars (good the imbibing twins didn’t last) and some neighbor who brews coffee for people at 5 AM (creepy). Jade’s face looks panicked. (I think she realizes why he kept so many girls.) She’s not loving the ghost town. Where are the people?
They find all 400 of the town people at a high school football game –it is where Chris once played. Jade meets his coach and his mom and dad. The football players pick up their horns and play in the band at half time. Jade and Chris head to his school. They go to his English classroom. They kiss. Chris says it feels more like French and two hours later Jimmy Kimmel asks him why he said that and what is wrong with him.
Half time ends. The mist moves in. His team loses. But Jade makes him feel like she would fit in there. Then the Iowa corn gets to Chris. He pumps his fist in Judd-Nelson Breakfast Club manner (I’d like to say lame but it was actually pretty good) as they walk across the football field.
The Second One-on-One
Whitney gets the second date and the two spend the day taking selfies. Whitney says they are documenting their love, and she wants to keep all the pics for their kids.
They dine. Whitney meets three of Chris’ best friends. They don’t mind her voice, and they give her their blessing. Chris and Whitney kiss in the restaurant while a wall of people clap for them through a glass window.
Then Whitney tells Chris her mother died ten years ago from a blood clot at 50 years old. She admits she doesn’t talk to her dad, but says she would love to be a part of his family and looks forward to calling someone mom and dad again. (Good move.) Chris takes her outside. One of their pictures has been painted into a wall mural. Whitney cries and says it is the most amazing moment of her life. (She has to get out more.)
Back at the house, the other girls decide to take a road trip to Arlington. Brit says no but goes anyway. They ride for three hours and then breeze through Arlington in 20 seconds.
Panic sets in. They get out. There aren’t any businesses. No people. Everything is locked—even the church. Carly looks through the church window and sees Jesus in what is the spitting image of her grandmother’s picture frame. She thinks it’s a sign. (Weird.)They meet a man. He ends up being the pastor. And Brit sees a sunset on the way back to Des Moines.
The Group Date
Brit, Carly and Kaitlyn get the group date. Carly paints Brit’s face on her hand and pretends her hand is saying “my name is Brit and Carly is taking me down”. (That they’re playing this is truly a bad sign for Carly.) Jade admits she posed nude to Carly and that her dad found out about it from his co-worker (eew). Carly feels bad but says if Chris picks Jade what will he say? “Hey mom, don’t Google my wife.”
Here’s how the date goes: They skate; play hockey; fall down; get up; Brit tells Chris they went to Arlington the day before and that she felt alive there. Carly does a perfect imitation of the I-love-everything-about-Chris-and-Arlington Brit. Then Chris says he could see Brit living there with him.
Then it happens. Carly gets one-on-one time and throws Brit under the bus. (Couldn’t you just claw your way through the TV set when that happens?) Says Brit hates Arlington. Chris says thank you. Carly cries. Chris talks to Brit. Brit says she loves Arlington, looks forward to trying it, wants kids and when Chris kisses Brit we still aren’t sure he’s buying it.
Then Chris takes Kaitlyn for one-on-one time. Kaitlyn is honest about feeling a little insecure. Chris reassures her and gives her the rose. (In your face Brit.) Kaitlyn crumbles in happiness. (We’re starting to like this chic.)
Back on the couch Brit’s oozing green. When Kaitlyn and Chris return, her true colors come out. She lays into him for not giving her the rose right in front of the other two girls. Her I’m-a-princess attitude changes to a woe-is-me cry when Chris asks her if she wants to go home. Brit tries to play on his emotions but it doesn’t work. She back peddles, cries, begs pity, but no luck Brit! (He’s on to you.)
Thank heaven we only have to wait until tomorrow to watch Chris give Brit the boot. (Fingers crossed.)