The Women Tell All
Chris Harrison called it the craziest, most unpredictable and shocking season ever with Love-my-widow-story Kelsey, I’m-a-bunny Jade, Is-that-an-onion Ashley, Shower-shy Brit and Pick-me-pick-me-I’m–a-virgin Ashley. He said Brit and Virgin Ashley cried more tears between them than all the bachelorettes in the history of the show.
And if you think damage control was the prime purpose of tonight’s show, then like me you were wrong. There was no remorse. It was revenge night.
Before the interviews even began, Brit called out Carly for her flip-flop friendship and accused her of ruining everything. Carly didn’t defend well. But all of the girls came to her rescue. Except hot-pants Jillian, who screamed Brit is a sweetheart.
Quickly, the shouting is out of control, so Harrison calls Brit up for her interview. Here’s what happened:
Shower-shy Brit (C)
Brit continues yelling at Carly from the interview seat. Carly yells that Ashley and Jade told Chris Brit was a liar before she did. Jillian screams she saw the real Brit. Jade questions Brits authenticity.
Chris tries to ask a question, but Brit cries about the hot air balloon ride. Cries about the girls talking about her. Cries that she loves children and has worked with them all her life. Then says she doesn’t think Ashley is a bad person. (Left field.)
Pick-me-I’m-a-virgin Ashley and Brit go a round. Others jump in. Chris takes a break and tries like heck to gain control again.
Back from break, Ashley reminds Brit that she said she didn’t want to have kids but told Chris she did, and Carly reminds her that she said she didn’t want to live in Arlington but told Chris she did. Brit cries. The crowd applauds for Brit, then for Carly, and we have no idea who they like.
Chris Harrison says, c’mon could you really live in Arlington? Yes she says. No the girls say. Then Brit admits asking Bachelor Chris is this the town before the town?
The Carly-Brit breakup resurfaces. Brit says Carly narrated her love story with Chris. (Cry.) Then says Carly’s hate was born out of pain. (Sniff.) Straight Chris says they’ll never see eye to eye and asks why Brit came to the show. For love, she says.
You were in love? Chris asks. Then she does something so bizarre I have to replay it. She holds two fingers up as if to show a little itty bit. Like this close. (Really?) Chris announces the end of the cry-cry-cry Brit interview but Brit won’t leave. During the break she cries to Chris about the girls, puffs out her cheeks, whimpers, and finally they escort her off the stage. (Exhausting.)
I-love-My-Widow-Story Kelsey (D)
Chris Harrison calls the black widow up. (His words.)
They show Kelsey’s clips and viewers realize they had a true love-hate relationship with this girl. They loved her as the woe-begotten widow in the beginning, then hated her in the we’re-not-actually-sure-she-is-a-widow ending.
They show I’m smarter than you clips. Wicked witch laugh clips. My story is tragic but amazing clips. Rolling on the floor clips and finally the Hannibal Lecter stare she threw I’m-a-virgin Ashley just before they both got the boot. She says she lost before, but she’ll survive. She is immeasurably blessed. The girls find out she is going home, pop champagne and say they are the ones immeasurably blessed.
Kelsey admits feeling betrayed by the girls, and that she is still grieving her husband’s death. This experience has brought back her despair. (Cry.) Chris hands her a hanky and she talks about how silky it is. (Weird and awkward.)
Do you know why they don’t like you, Chris asked? I use big words.
Watching it back can you see how you can be misconstrued? Maybe.
She admits the forced alone time with Chris could have looked tactical. The panic attacks were timely. But she’s hurt the girls don’t like her. The girls try to chime in. Chris won’t let them and asks her if she feels better than the other girls. No. Then the girls overpower Chris again.
Ashley reminds Kelsey that she said she was above her. Juelia says she was one of the most calculating people she’d ever met. Megan agrees. The crowd cheers and Samantha says Kelsey got a sympathy rose for her floor-rolling escapade.
Kelsey asks for forgiveness, then accuses Ashley of hitting below the belt by alluding that her husband didn’t exist. Chris says, but really, what was that amazing story thing? She said it was amazing that she had a husband who loved her. She is moving on but doesn’t want to diminish Sanderson’s death. (Strange.)
She gives herself a pat on the back for trying to move on and the audience applauds.
Is-that-an-onion Ashley (F)
I thought nothing could surprise me, Chris Harrison says, but then there was Ashley S. They show a clip of her picking a pomegranate, lurking in the dark and crazily telling Chris he doesn’t want to lose the whole world and he doesn’t want to gain it either. Chris hopes he doesn’t get murdered in his sleep.
Easily one of my favorite women, Chris says as he calls her to the interview chair. (C’mon Chris.) She walks up looking gorgeous and you think she might redeem herself. But then she tells Chris it’s nice to meet you and gives him an onion. She admits that since the show aired she has begun to grown onions.
They talk about her Maseverde chant, the bachelor betting club, a mum cat and Chris says everyone asks him if they hired her to be on the show. Chris says even Meryl Streep couldn’t play that part and then begs her to join them on the Bachelor in Paradise. (Cha-ching.) The crowd chants “Do it”. She says being on TV is weird, and the interview is mercifully over.
I’m-a-bunny Jade (B)
Chris calls her up and reminds her what a serious relationship they had until Chris saw the bunny pics. (Thanks.)
They run her clip and remind us that Chris Soules’ sisters picked her for the Cinderella date. She looks beautiful. They dance. Then Cinderella loses more than her glass slipper when she shows her porn video. Chris says it doesn’t matter. She’s relieved. They cut to the rose ceremony. She doesn’t get a rose, says damn and goes home.
Jade cries at the clip, says she had a very strong connection and it took a lot of courage to be honest with him. She wants to know what went wrong.
She’s crushed. She’s nervous to see him. She needs closure. Then on to the next bachelorette.
Not-a-virgin Kaitlyn (A)
We are remorseful for this tag, but she did take her bathing suit bottoms off in one of the scenes and nearly fell off the couch when Becca admitted she, too, was a virgin. Still, we feel bad because her departure was heart-wrenching.
Chris calls her up to show her clip, and from the first day they met, when she said you can plow the ???? out of my field any day, until her speechlessness on the last day, you get the feeling they did have a connection.
She said she had never felt so confident at a rose ceremony but was sent home (without her field plowed). She thinks about it every day. She was in love. She wanted to live in a small town and everything about it breaks her heart.
Chris Soules’ interview
Immediately, Brit asks if she can come up to sit beside him. (Tacky.) They hug, and she won’t let go. She tells him she understands and starts to talk about Carly, but Chris says it wasn’t Carly. There were other things. That makes her feel better. She wants to end by telling him he is thoughtful and sweet (phony) and whoever he ends up with is lucky—another hug.
Kaitlyn is up next. She asked why he hadn’t afforded her the common courtesy that Andi had afforded him and sent her home other than at the rose ceremony. He says he was falling in love with three women. Don’t sugar coat it, she says, what happened? He said it was like throwing darts at a dart board. (Nice.) He could have flipped a coin. (Whitney and Becca, heads or tails?)
But you should have called me aside like you did Becca, she says. (Crowd applauds.) He stumbles. Apologizes. Says he did the best he could. (Lame.)
Then Jade has her opportunity to ask Chris a question. She wants to come up too. (Haven’t these girls seen this show? There’s no going up there. Talk from your seats.)
She asks what went wrong. He says it wasn’t the nudie-pie pics but admits he was caught off guard. She was nice. She was well put together. (Ya think?) But the situation was awkward. He’d never looked at nude photos with a girl he was dating. He looked at them for the betterment of them, but it was uncomfortable.
She agrees. They hug and the interviews are over.
Woohoo bring on the finale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Grade point system: A-almost made it; B-better replace show-n-tell with remorse next time; C-cry-cry-cry all the way home; D-deranged; F-friggin’ crazy.)