On day one, I was already annoyed.
A face off between Shower-shy Britt and Not-a-virgin Kaitlyn bothered me. I was never a fan of either bachelorette, but the thought of dozens of men telling one of them to hit the road seemed heartless–even for those two.
Plus–ok I’ll ask it–was it really fair to Kaitlyn? I mean come on; Britt is drop-dead gorgeous. Before the first episode even started, I was sure it was going to take these guys longer than a few hours to realize Britt has the personality of a wet noodle.
Then here’s what happened:
Interviewing the Bachelors
Another admission: I didn’t watch all the interviews; I lost interest early on. Brady from Nashville, Ian from LA, Ben somebody and Jared from somewhere in Rhode Island seemed sane, but the rest remain dormant in that 90% of my brain I never get to.
Only one interview gave deep impression and that was Guru-balance man, otherwise known as Tony the healer. (Tony is testament to why marijuana should never be legalized.)
Out of the Limo
Producers first elect to show all of the guys darting toward Britt, leaving Kaitlyn standing awkwardly in the shadows of the bushes. Blood pressures rise across TV land as Britt flashes her wicked, little, I’m-wonderfully-beautiful smile that says she’s sure she’s got this in the bag. She can’t conceal her conceit.
Then the scene changes and guys start dropping off presents to Kaitlyn upon arrival (reminding us how we didn’t like her wild laugh). Finally, one bachelor says he has a gift for Britt; she’s ecstatic until she realizes it is a package of Kleenex. (Cry-cry-cry Britt of the Bachelor lives on.)
A sex therapist arrives soaking wet in a mobile hot tub, and a dentist drives up in a cup cake. (That’s right–a cupcake.) Not much drama other than one of the bachelors who already greeted the girls, Ryan, comes out to insult sex-therapist-hot-tub guy.
No time for a cat fight, Britt and Kaitlyn scramble to win favor with the 25 guys. Each says they will be devastated if they go home, hushing viewers with compassion.
But then Bachelor Ryan reminds us that this is superficial Reality TV by getting plastered, saying he’s horned up, disrobing, swimming, falling out of the pool (without spilling a drop of his drink mind you) and slapping Kaitlyn’s behind. Bouncers come. Chris Harrison walks him to a waiting van, and horned-up Ryan is history. (Except for internet chatter that he previously dated Nikki–you know–Juan Pablo’s ex.)
Harrison announces the ballot is open, and before he finishs his speech, black-eyed guru-healer Tony (yes he has a black eye) takes off to the voting room, lays his hands on the rose boxes, and waits for a sign of which girl is right for him (oy vey) and TV land concludes there are probably limitless people waiting in line to blackened his other eye.
Producers show guys voting for Britt, then Kaitlyn, then Britt while the girls run from bachelor to bachelor flaunting their best vote-for-me demeanor.
Before we know it, the roses have all been cast.
Chris Harrison announces the voting is closed and immediately you see him approaching Britt.
Instantly we sense he’s happy, and we know Britt is going home. (He never liked her. He can’t hide it.) He tells her and of course she is blind-sided. She is so shocked that she can barely speak. It’s evident she never rehearsed a speech for this; she was sure she was staying. She sheds a few tears, Harrison walks her to the limo and Cry-cry-cry Britt surfaces as she rides away.
Still, we can’t help but feel sorry for her. This is cruel even for Britt.
However we don’t have too much pity time because happy Harri proceeds to Kaitlyn (without even a commercial!) and breaks the news. Kaitlyn covers her face then says she feels bad she is so happy. Harri says she is a sweet girl, she cries, smiles and asks how Brit is doing. (Suddenly it doesn’t matter that she took bathing suit bottoms off. We like her again.) Harri says she should be happy, says there will still be a rose ceremony and leaves her alone to call her mom.
Back to the Party
Guys who openly voted for Britt find themselves in the hot seat when Kaitlyn is revealed as the bachelorette. Faces droop. Glasses raise. And the backpedaling begins.
A few Kaitlyn supporters get time alone with her. Cup-cake boy gets a kiss. Crushin’-on-her Shawn gets the first impression rose, Welder Josh gives her a rose and the Brit-backing boys quickly recover from their loss. They hone in on Kaitlyn and work hard to avoid the inevitable who’d-they-vote-for question. Some of them do pretty good: Kupah schmoozes. (Kupah? What was his mother thinking?) Leno-chin guy talks kids. And Jared admits he voted for Britt but would like to get to know Kaitlyn. (Noble or just plain dumb?)
Guru-guy sits alone in the garden talking about drinking fountains and building wells.
The Rose Ceremony
Kaitlyn walks up to a table with a lot of roses and begins calling bachelors up to fetch them:
Cupcake dentist, Ben H, Leno-chin (who laughs like the Joker), Joe somebody, Kupah (drat), Daniel, Ryan B, Steel-rose-giver Josh, One-with-the-earth Tony, then…
Brady interrupts the ceremony to see if he can talk to Kaitlyn. They go out into the hall. He says Kaitlyn is a wonderful girl, admits he has feelings for Britt, and Chris Harrison ushers him off to find his dream girl, Britt.
We stop to give this guy credit. He is a song writer. He could have stuck around for publicity (don’t pretend it hasn’t been done in the past), but he doesn’t. We like him, and suddenly we feel better about Britt not being the bachelorette and anxious for the two to reconnect . (Until they show previews of him walking through a hotel in a t-shirt, shorts and are those tights? Really? All the clothes you took for the show and that’s what you pick to impress your lady?)
Kaitlyn goes back to the ceremony, takes a deep breath and continues picking guys:
Clint, Somebody else, Voted-for-Britt-but-not-ready-to-leave Jonathon, Cory or Corey (we’ll find out next week), Ben Z, Tanner, Ian (phew), Justin and……Jared (noble).
Next producers spice it up with clips of Kaitlyn admitting she slept with someone, and we all go to bed happy.
Can’t wait for episode 3!