Becca is back baby!
LB is sweet, Caila is fun and everyone’s still deciding about GI Jubilee, but Athletchic is flying high because Becca came back strong tonight when she scored one of two one-on-one dates in the wedding capital of the world, Viva Las Vegas! Here’s what happened:
The First One-on-One Helicopter-Rooftop Date
Before the date card arrives, Cankles talks big. She says Ben is her man and that she is “Zen with Ben,” (ripping this season’s biggest-loser title away from Luny Lace). But Jojo obliterates her dreams by getting the first date card.
Ben and Jojo Horse Head (we just can’t get that picture out of our heads) go to a roof top and sip Champaign on a little table as a helicopter descends to take them away. But all goes wrong as it lands close to them. The glasses fly out of their hands, the table tips and rolls, and for a minute we think Jojo’s top is going to fly right off her. The other Bachelorettes laugh as they watch from the hotel window. But the laughing stops when Ben takes Jojo in his arms and kisses her.
He continues kissing her (all in) on the Helicopter ride, and on the evening date, Jojo plays her sympathy card by admitting five months ago her ex cheated on her. Ben is sorry. She’s sure she’s ready for a new relationship. Ben is glad and yada yada, she gets the rose.
They go to yet another rooftop, fireworks erupt, and the Bachelorettes back at the hotel sadly remark it must be for Jojo. Cankle cries. One Twinnie says it is their home town, and she would have liked that. Then the camera switches back and forth from Ben kissing Horse Head (clearly not one of our favs) and Cankles saying she is still the front runner.
We move to the group date:
The Show-Me-What-You-Got Group Date
All the remaining girl’s names except Becca’s (yippee) are on the group date card. Becca smiles. Cankles pouts in the corner, and Kindergarten-teacher Lauren says she hopes they don’t have to put on nipple tassels. (Not very kinderly.)
Ben says he wants a girl who is fun and can come out of her shell, and he takes the girls to a show hall where they announce the girls will be the opening act for the Terry Fator ventriloquist show. Caila and Emily are super stoked. Cankles is confident and LB covers her face and says she has no talent.
Here’s how they do: The Twinnies twin it up to an Irish dance (A+); GI Jubilee plays the cello (B+); LB juggles humbly (B+); Mommy hula hoops (B); Caila hula dances (B+); Never–can-remember-her Rachel (we think) makes balloons (B); Kinder Lauren recites a poem in a chicken suit (C-); Leah pogo sticks across the stage in a clown suit (B), Jennifer or Rachel (not sure) hits balls with a tennis racket through a hula hoop (C-), Amber doesn’t get a grade because she doesn’t get on camera (not looking good), and you get the feeling the producers are setting Cankles up for the big one.
And they are. They roll out a cake, play music, and Cankles jumps out and does an I-talked-it-up-too-much-and-now-clearly-this-isn’t-working rendition of anything but a sexy dance. Ben covers his face. LB says it’s cringe-worthy. The other girls wince through their face-covering fingers, and even Athletchic feels sorry for this chic. It’s that bad. Afterwards, the ventriloquist insults Cankles, the other girls say they had fun, and Cankles crawls off in the corner and cries through a panic attack, saying she thinks Ben was mortified (looked it).
But she doesn’t disappoint. Here’s how the evening date alone time went:
Caila admits she had group-date stage fright, says she is shy but then goes in for a kiss. Ben says she’s sweet but a tigress. Ben kisses her back (all in).
Kinder Lauren goofs off with a doll from the show. Ben says he wants to know the cute, fun-loving woman. Lauren kisses the doll, then Ben, and Ben kisses her back looking all in (almost).
Olivia asks to talk with him, says she needs a drink, that she did awful, but Ben graciously lies and says she was great. Cankles lies and says she’s not showy. Ben lies and says it wasn’t bad and one of the Twinnies cuts in (go Twinnie). Cankles leaves dejected in her washed-out colored dress/skort and then tells the camera she is scared
Sweet LB admits to Ben that she misses him and that it’s hard to navigate the feelings of everyone dating the same guy. Ben asks what he can do. And LB says all the right things: that there are a lot of amazing, wonderful women left and why would she be lucky enough for him to pick her. (Athletchic is out of her seat shouting at Ben to go get the rose!) Ben kisses her all in and LB moves to Athletchic’s second favorite bachelorette. (Ok she was always second.)
Twin Em gets three minutes with Ben because Cankles interrupts and gets second alone time. Ben apologizes to Em. Cankles says she wants to start over. She snaps her fingers (and we hope she disappears) and says she’s having a rough day. She wants to apologize. Ben says don’t apologize. She apologizes again. Don’t. Apologize. Don’t. Apologize and Ben gives her a peck on the cheek just to get rid of her.
And the rose goes to—LB! (Athletchic rises to her feet and cheers!!!!!!)
The Long-Awaited, One-on-One Ben and BECCA Date
A box with a note arrives that says get dressed, it’s a big day. Becca pulls out a wedding gown. She puts it on; it fits like a glove. She is drop-dead gorgeous and all of the girls become upset.
But GI Jubilee puts everything in perspective by saying Becca is still a virgin, and if she hasn’t lost her virginity in 26 years, she isn’t going to lose it in six hours (best bash ever).
Becca and Ben arrive at a Las Vegas wedding church, and he gets down on one knee and asks Becca if she wants to marry……other people with him. Ben has been ordained and the two have some fun marrying couples (legally). Becca thanks him for choosing her to do this with him.
The evening date goes (imBECCAbly) well. They talk virginity, non-virginity, beliefs, hopes, and we come away fully aware that Becca is way more into Ben than she ever was into Chris. And clearly she is not only Athletchic’s top runner, but one of Ben’s, too. She gets the rose and honestly we don’t remember the rest because we are too busy dancing around the room in glee.
Then, the next day we find out (ah-oh) there is going to be one more date:
The Oh-No-One-Twin-Is-Going-Home Double Date
Emily and Haley get an LV home-town date with Ben. He surprises them by taking them to see their mom, and this quickly turns into the most awkward home town date in Bachelor history. He lays on Ems bed and chats. Lays on Hay’s bed and chats. (We think, but honestly we can’t tell them apart.) Mom tells him Emily is more dominant, outgoing, but Haley is a thousand percent in once she opens up. Em throws Hay under the bus and then Ben talks seriously with all of them, looking each in the eye and addressing them as “Mom, you and you…” (He can’t tell them apart either) and says he is having more feelings for Emily as the twins sit there holding hands.(Then he hopes the right one stands up–but he can’t tell.)
Here’s the thing. It was bad enough one of them had to go. Did they really have to do it this way? We are sure this was the producer’s idea, but Athletchic is disappointed that Ben didn’t refuse to do this. Emily cries harder than Haley, and we move awkwardly along to the rose ceremony.
The Rose Ceremony
The drama continues as We-still-aren’t-sure-who-she-is Jen takes Ben away for alone time but only gets three minutes with him because (sigh) Olivia breaks in. Blah, blah, blah later, the other girls get alone time. GI Jubilee whines about feeling insecure, but Cankles hogs the drama by continually interviewing about how sure she is that she’s getting a rose and how she hates it that she gets the last rose, so we are hopeful—extremely hopeful—that they are setting her up to go home.
And the roses go to Amanda (mommy); Lauren H (Not-so-Kinderly); GI Jubilee; Twin Em (wow—that would have been awkward); Caila; Still-not-sure-who-she-is Jennifer; Leah; and last but not least—Cankles (they set us up-not her).
Sadly, we say goodbye to Rachel and Amber instead of Cankles, and we remain angry at producers for sending twin Haley home so awfully.
Here’s the deal, Ben, unless you are 100% sure that Emily is the girl for you, and we highly doubt you are, you should have sent them home together.
Cyndie Zahner is a freelance writer and The Bachelor enthusiast. Follow her on Instagram @athletchicz and on Twitter @tweetyz.