GI Jubilee goes home, Oh-please-leave Olivia gets a rose and the others throw their vulnerability cards on the table. If you didn’t tune in last night, that’s what you missed.
The drama opens with the girls arriving in Mexico. Oleavia toasts love, insists Ben doesn’t validate the other girls like he does her (huh?), and says she and Ben have a love language. She’s sure she’s getting a one-on-one date, but then has to pout in the corner when I’m-a-mommy Amanda gets the date.
The Put-All-the-Eggs-in-One-Basket, Like, One-on-One Date
Ben pops in on the girls at 4:30 in the morning looking for Amanda. She has 15 minutes to get ready. But unlike many of the other girls, she already looks great. She ventures out with Ben while Oleavia and Kindergarten Lauren say they don’t think she is coming back.
But I’m-a-mommy and Ben take off in a hot air balloon and quickly become acquainted. I’m-a-mommy says she can’t stop smiling. She’s having an amazing day. Ben says he likes being around her. And we all begin to fall in love with Mommy except for two things: her like factor and her déjà vu voice. (Does Ben not hear this?) Like this, like that, like every other word is like because she is like nervous and like we want to stop counting how many times she says like and pay attention to what she is saying, but like, we just can’t. And then, we start thinking she sounds like someone we know, and we realize it is last season’s Whitney and her Is-your-mommy-home voice. We turn down the volume. (Drat! We liked her.)
Ben doesn’t seem to mind. She tells him about her marriage. Her husband cheated on her (vulnerability card). He didn’t want to be in her girl’s lives (bad-daddy card). She was heartbroken, and Athletchic wants so badly to feel bad for her but even with the sound down we still count likes. And (OMG) then Ben starts throwing likes, and we turn the sound completely off.
He gives I’m-a-mommy the rose and we are happy. Really were are. He kisses her (all in), and we turn the volume up, ready for the group date.
This-Is-the-Way-to-a-Man’s-Heart Group Date
GI Jubilee, ImBECCAble Becca, Nojo (can’t take credit for this, my friend’s daughter Olivia—good Olivia—gets credit for both this and the Oleavia tag), Cute Caila, Twin Em, LB, Not-much-air-time Leah, Can’t remember-her Jennifer and Oleavia.
They are off to a classroom to learn Spanish, to the market to buy food and to the kitchen to cook a Mexican meal. They pair up and right off the bad there is a tug between Oleavia and GI Ju for Ben. Oleavia wins and GI walks off with her tail between her legs to partner with LB, but does get in a shoulder shove as she passes Oleavia (rerun it, she does).
Jen and Twin Em pair up. Jen says Em’s palate hasn’t advanced past the kids’ menu. Em wants to punch Oleavia in the mouth and says Ben made a b-line for the mint because Oleavia has bad breath. Oleavia says she and Ben are on a high. In the end, Em and Jennifer get a not so great for their Mexican dish, Caila and Leah get a great, Nojo and Becca get an ok, Ben and Olivia get a not ok, and GI and LB win accolades from the chef.
Ben says he is no longer the bachelor. He’s the spatulor. (Sad.)
On the evening date, Olivia pulls Ben away first (as usual) and brags on camera about her Ben-giddy smile, Ben’s passion and her pitiful self while it’s GI’s turn to pout in the corner. Twin Em interrupts Oleavia’s time with Ben. The others meet with him and Ben ends up kissing all of them, especially LB (can’t take his hands off her). He sends GI Jubilee home.
You got that right. GI went home. Ben said she always pulls away from him. She wasn’t fun today. She says its hard. She pleads for affection. But he wants to be honest. He’s not feeling it anymore. Then he sends her packing and sits down on the stairs and cries.
Back in the room, he barely explains that he sent GI home when Nojo jumps at him for alone time to play the console card. Then she plays her my-boyfriend-dumped-me vulnerability card. Ben says it was hard sending GI home, and that he’s done breaking up with people. Nojo reminds him he has 10 more to go.
Then—sadly—the rose goes to someone that Ben says he has reconnected with, Oleavia, and Athletchic hollers into the TV that he doesn’t know what he is doing. Oh-just-leave Oleavia immediately starts flaunting and taunting her good fortune. She’s not going to rub it in the other girls’ faces, but Ben is hers (rub, rub).
When Athletchic is done gaging in the bathroom, we move on to the next one-on-one.
The Let’s-Design-a-Life-Together One-on-one Date
Ben and Kindergarten Lauren try on clothes at a retail store, then find out that they will be modeling in a fashion show.
They do awesome in the show, and then spend the evening dinner on a roof top. Kinderly brings up his sending Jubilee home and says it was noble of him (careful). Then she throws her my-boyfriend-of-four-years-cheated-on-me vulnerability card out but says on her last birthday she decided she could choose to be happy or to be a victim. She chose to be happy (homerun). Ben said he has seen a new side of her and is more attracted to her. He kisses her, gives her the rose, and they are serenaded by a street harpist—no big concert or romantic dancing–which makes us believe that, maybe, she was supposed to go home but Ben changed his mind.
We go pensively to what we think is going to be the rose ceremony.
The Oh-No-There-Isn’t-Going-to-be-a Rose Ceremony
The girls are scared. It’s over whelming. Oh-just-leave Olivia is relentless. The girls hate her. Ben comes in and the evening goes like this:
Nojo gets alone time and tells him she likes him a lot and does not want to be blindsided. Ben promises her she won’t be, so she knows she’s not going home. They kiss.
LB has time with him and reassures him she cares. They kiss. She’s in.
Oh-just-leave Olivia tells I’m-a-mommy Amanda that she feels like she’s watching an episode of teen mom. Mommy gets offended (rightly). Oleavia apologizes and tries to squeeze out a few tears. Twin Em gets so mad she does the throw-the-other-girl-under-the-bus thing with Oleavia. Ben starts asking the other girls about Oleavia. Mommy throws her under the bus, We-still-don’t-know-who-she-is Jen throws her under the bus, and Twin Em sobs on the phone to her sister Twin Hay, who was dumped by Ben last week, as if she’s going to get some sympathy.
Then, Ben says he wants to talk to Oh-just-leave Oleavia before he passes out roses. All the girls are giddy with hope he’s taking her rose away, but Oleavia redeems herself and then the absolute worst thing happens:
TO BE CONTINUED flashes across the screen, and we realize there isn’t going to be a rose ceremony. Revengefully, we click to watch Vanderpump Rules instead of The Bachelor Live.
Take that, producers, take that.
Cyndie Zahner is a freelance writer and a hopeless The Bachelor addict. Follow her on Instagram @athletchicz or Twitter @TweetyZ.