Who’s your favorite? Tell me which Modern Family personality lures you to the TV, and I can tell you more than you want to know about yourself. If you’re favorite character is:
Joe: You are cute, endearing, lovable, the apple of your mother’s eye, the favorite child, sweet, and a cuddler. People tend to take care of you.
You are more likely to end up living in your parent’s basement than your siblings. You should marry young. The good looks and lustrously thick mane of your tween years will perish. You will blossom into a bald surfer in a tight wet suit by forty.
Lily: You are down to earth, smart, perceptive, blunt, sarcastic, easily annoyed, and curt. You are extremely intelligent but won’t bother yourself with deep thinkers. You continually come to the defense of the underdog. No one dare take advantage of you.
Everything in your life will revolve around how you see other people. When you are done with someone, nothing they say or do will reprieve them. People will fight for your friendship because you are quick to say things others only think. Everyone will fear what you think of them. You will chuckle when people fall down, flash a finger when they give advice, and go to bed if you think a family discussion will ensue. You will have great altruistic moments and help anyone—until they say something stupid.
Luke: You are kind, light hearted, easy-going, playful, tolerant, impressionable, unreflective, and barely ever become angry. Clothes, housing, and money don’t matter to you. Only toys matter. You love a good dunce cap—which you believe are NASA designed.
Don’t waste money on an education. You are gullible. You know people roll their eyes behind your back, but you think they’re inferring you’re well rounded. You love to perform because lots of people cheer for your magic act, but secretly they’re just hoping you’ll disappear. You tell dumb jokes, believe spelling bees sting, and think the FBI fights bad Indians.
Manny: You are polished, patriotic, old-fashioned, sophisticated, well-bred, eccentric, and an old soul. You dress impeccably and talk eloquently. You love history, reading glasses, caviar, and your mama. Popularity is unimportant to you. You are comfortable in your own skin, a Brioni suit or Prada, and leotards. You believe team spirit is bringing a cow bell to a chess game.
You will always use the proper fork, know the brand names of posh décor, drink tea with your pinky up, and be the butt of nerd jokes. You’ll never win a popularity contest, and your name will never appear on any ballot—ever. You’ll be prone to long walks (alone), depression (from falling short of philosophical goals), and gout (from rich foods). Your mama will always love you.
Alex: You are punctual, studious, intelligent, balanced, and a perfectionist. You attract stupid people and are therefore the family matriarch/patriarch by proxy. Sugar is your forename.
Work hard. You are destined to support family members.
Haley: You are creative, personable, sexy, attractive, airy, and most often unambitiously employed. Finding yourself means surfing the web for your picture, drinking sensibly implies sipping latte during class, and staying on the wagon means continuing to pester your parents about a car.
Purchase expensive skin products and stay out of the sun. Your looks are going to be important. Find a superficial job and a sugar momma/daddy.
Mitchell: You are empathetic, capable, caring, companionly and meticulous. You are always out of sorts. And sports. You have two left feet and believe ribbon dancing is a contact sport.
You’re gay. It’s fine. Get over it.
Cameron: You are imaginative, colorful, benevolent, challenging, ebullient and dramatic. You have a flare for not knowing what you’re incapable of. Strangers think you’re crazy.
Never wear a clown outfit. People will shoot you. Don’t coach, you’ll get fired. Talk as little as possible, you contradict yourself. Don’t listen to idle gossip, it’s about you. Leave interior decorating to the professionals. It dates you. Never wear pink (self-explanatory).
Gloria: You are observant, captivating, passionate, protective, high-strung, combative, and stubborn. You are attractive but dangerously argumentative. People don’t understand what the hell you are talking about.
You will make great first impressions, but should not stick around long enough for people to form seconds. Acquaintances will hide when they see you coming. Friends won’t answer the door when you ring the doorbell, and your parents may deny you. Your fair face will appear on both NRA and Citizens Against NRA rest-my-case posters. Shoot in the air, stripes weight you.
Jay: You are farsighted, sober, outspoken, abrasive, and cantankerous. You avoid talkative people and colonoscopies.
You are very lucky. Quit while you are ahead.
Claire: You are intense, energetic, family-oriented, competitive, vivacious, and devious. You believe you are in control and consider yourself a clever practical joker—even when you’re not.
You will have great ambition in life. After much persistence, you will succeed, or semi-succeed, in your career, but “I’m an idiot” sticky notes will always find their way to the back of your suit coat. You will constantly vie for co-worker’s approval but often serve as the butt of their jokes. Halloween and yoga shooting days will not become you. Lying will be your demise. Never run a marathon. You’re competitive nature is Rosie Ruez like.
Phil: You are fun, sporting, loyal, curious, sentimental, and as profound as you are trivial. You are afraid of heights, don’t go in the water above your ankles, and think living dangerously is not wearing your seatbelt. You shoot for the stars with a BB gun, wear flannel socks with water shoes, and suffer from cleithrophobia.
You are very ill and probably won’t live to see another day. You believe your mother was a Russian spy and your father, a descendent of Houdini. Most of the time there is someone following you.
Cyndie Zahner is a freelance writer. She never misses Modern Family. Her favorite character is Gloria. Tell her who you love on Twitter @tweetyz or Instagram @athletchicz.